Snowstorm Bullplop

I'm finishing up packing and mentally accepting my departure from Amsterdam, and there's a blizzard blowing past my window.

I had only a few last goals:

VRIJDAG
1. Koffie en appelgebak met een goede vriend, Tab
2. Return my bike and get my deposit (but they closed. airports and buses also not working today)
3. Visit the Oudekerk and light candles for various people. It's the oldest church/building in Amsterdam, and I have always wanted to go inside. BUT snow prevents me
4. Last lunch with Irina and Courtney. nomnomnom
5. SIT farewell party

ZATERDAG
6.  Get up early, go to Noordermarkt with Irina. Buy a new scarf, since I lost mine. But it's supposed to snow all day today and tomorrow, so we'll see.
7. Then meet up with Lilly and go to Vondelpark and then a museum.
8. See Gloria or Ioana one last time.

And on ZONTAG, I LEAVE!!!

Irina says I have to check and see if my train is delayed from Amsterdam Centraal to Frankfurt. So, I hope not. So my last 48 hours, Amsterdam weather has ruined. :(

Bullplop, indeed.

Edit:
Just got back from the prettiest winter walk of my life. Went to the Oudekerk and walked around de Dam and along the Rozengracht home. Gorgeous, and not too cold. Time for hot chocolate with chili!

Tot Ziens

This afternoon, I handed in a bound, 51 page ISP entitled "Sugar and Spice, and Everything Nice: A study deconstructing how parents, child-care workers, and primary school teachers contribute to the gendering and gender socialization of young children in the Netherlands."

I'm done! I'm finished writing and editing and it's almost all over. Tomorrow, I have to give a 20 minute presentation at 10 am, which I'll be honest- I haven't even started preparing for it yet. My brain has been trying to relax after spending days of writing and staring at computers and organizing thoughts. The strangest part of this entire experience is I only once felt overwhelmed, and it was over a month ago. Since that point, I made sure I was relaxed whenever I was writing. I set deadlines (like, write 7 pages today, and 3 tomorrow, blah) and followed all of them, but in a relaxed and calm way. And I finished writing my paper yesterday, when I had planned to be finished. Yesterday I edited it all day. I woke up this morning and read the whole thing out loud to find awkward sentences and little misspellings. Then I printed and bound and haven't looked at again because then I'll find problems and we won't even go there.

But, I'm done. And I was relaxed and stress free writing the largest paper I've ever had to write, which makes absolutely no sense because I used to stress over 10 page papers and this one was five times as long. Since I was so calm about the whole thing, I don't feel that "paper's done I can breathe again" post-paper high, either. I'm just finished.


Tonight I'm going with my IDFA friend Ioana to hear Mahler and Dvořák at the Concertgebouw, a gorgeous building I've always wanted to be inside of.
And I biked today in the "sneeuw" to hand in all my books and borrowed ISPs and my paper and everything. It feels so weird to be almost finished... After 10:20 tomorrow, I will be able to concentrate on everything else that I have to do.... 

1. Say goodbye to my favorite and darling Amsterdam, a city I feel really alive and at home. I've never felt more at home here than the past few weeks, so I feel like they're tearing me away from this city right as I get to know and understand it really well.

2. Pack.... ugh. This will be interesting, fitting all my Morocco stuff in my suitcase. I'll probably leave clothes here that don't fit anymore, since I lost 6 pounds here.

3. Return my bike and get my deposit

4. See two more museums, visit the Oudekerk, get coffee at this fabulous little place by the Albert Cuyp markt.

5. Say goodbye to Amsterdam.

I feel like everyone else in this program is really excited to go back. And I so am not ready. I'm not ready to leave my new friends, Gloria and the IDFA kids. I'm not ready to part with Irina's amazing south african/indian/organic cooking, with my bike, with the architecture and canals and omnipresent cafés and coffeeshops. I haven't felt more like staying than the past 3 weeks, and it's really unsettling. I also don't feel the "holiday spirit," since I'm out of my usual element of Advent and everything. None of that seems to really matter to me right now. 

I do look forward to seeing my cousin Theresa for a week. And eventually, to going home to Russ and my beautiful Cinnaminson friends. I can't wait to have conversations that actually involve TALKING and TOUCHING and LAUGHTER! 

All that being said- (I can't believe I'm saying this) 

I don't want to go home yet.

Berlin

Since I was studying abroad for four months, I decided I had to travel at least ONE other place on my own (because I really don't have much more money or time for anything else). Since I was torn between studying in Berlin or in Amsterdam, I had to get thoughts of Berlin out of my system. It seemed like the most logical place to go for 4 days- cheap, close enough, could take a night bus ride (I prefer them over night trains, if you were wondering!) I could meet up there with my older brother Liam, and I could pretend to practice my ever dwindling German-skilz.

SIT technically paid for my vacation, too. I used the first €50 we were given for lunch money to pay for the ticket and the last €65 as my spending money there. I literally boarded my bus back home with less than 2 euros, so it all worked out perfectly.

Anyone who's ever traveled knows busses are an especially fun choice. Not. But I sleep and work well in moving vehicles, so I really can't complain. Besides, why trouble yourself with flying when you can just sleep two nights on a bus and not deal with all that crap?

And the second I was in Berlin I started missing Amsterdam. I started missing what felt like home. I was quite shocked at how fervently I missed Amsterdam, and how immediate the feelings of loss were felt. Maybe it was because I wasn't quite in the travel mood. I'd just made so many friends in IDFA and wasn't ready to leave them yet. Maybe it was the extreme cold the two days before traveling that made me just want to stay in my bed and work on my ISP and feel like I’d accomplished some major headway.

Even so, I was so happy to be in Germany, to see Liam, to couchsurf again, and to eat Currywurst and drink Glühwein. We went to several Weinachtmarkten, which Liam explained to me are crucial for survival in bitter cold and dark Germany. Without all the lights and celebration and color and Glühwein, seasonal depression would most certainly effect people more.

Our couchsurfer host took us to an amazing bar called Madame Claude. I did some wiki-ing, and found out it was once a brothel and a French threesome turned it into an amazing bar and concert place. The coolest thing about Madame Claude is everything is upside down and on the ceiling. Tables, chairs, even the clock and security cameras were upside down. And since we went on Sunday night there was an open mic concert downstairs. Everyone was amazing, and I had a really good time. It’s hard to have a bad time after drinking a liter of delicious wheat beer, but that didn’t change the fact that all the musicians were really fun to listen to. I thought about adding my name to the list and performing, but I really wasn’t warmed up or anything.  I’m getting to the point, performance-wise, that I feel comfortable that people will enjoy my music. But I don’t know if I’m at the point yet where signing up for open mics seems like a wise idea : ).

During my time there, Liam and I basically walked around Berlin during the few hours of light we had. My feet were always wet, but other than that I was really warm and snuggly and dressed in a million layers- Mama would be proud. I saw a bit of the wall, which I wanted to see. I saw a giant amazing squat (Tacheles, look it up!) which I wanted to see. I saw 3 Christmas markets, which I wanted to see. So yes, it was a really nice four days with Liam in Berlin.

BUT. That being said, I am SO happy I didn’t end up studying there.  Amsterdam just suits me better. I love Dutch culture, I love Dutch, I love Amsterdam. I love the canals, the buildings, the squats and art and museums and cafes. I love the ability to bike everywhere, the IDFA internship I had. I love the closeness of everything. I love the friends I made. And I am so happy to be back, where I know the trams and the culture and where things are and where I should be. Whoever would have thought I’d feel more comfortable in the Netherlands than in Germany?

Plus my German is so bad right now, because I haven’t been hearing it or practicing it. And my Dutch pronunciation of things is stuck in there, too. But I got my Dutch grade back, and apparently I scored intermediate low on the ACTFL which is some global language scale. Not bad for 2 months of Dutch class! (I got an A in my midterm, final, and for the class).

The other day I didn't feel so positive about things... I was so emotionally stressed, overwhelmed, and frozen (literally) after biking around for 2 hours looking for an interview that I couldn't find. When I got home, I peeled off sweaty layers of woolen clothing and, exhausted, fell into bed. My interview was scheduled for 8:30 that morning, so I had been up early with little sleep. I played all the  Socalled albums I had on loop and napped for five hours, and when I awoke my entire body ached. It's amazing how connected body and mind are- how stress literally hurt every muscle and I felt like a giant connected doll made of aching tendons. It didn't help that the three days before that I had spent with a new friend who left for Mexico, and I was also overwhelmed that it would be probably a long time before I ever saw him again.

But I've just been thinking positively now, and I feel so much better. My body feels healthy and relaxed. I got to bike again here, as the snow melted while I was gone. I'm getting myself excited to finish writing this paper, and I'm already excited to love all over the 2 weeks I have left here. So now it's crunch time- I have to finish my ISP because it's due December 13th. Then, on the 14th, I'm the first presentation on the first day of presentations. And after that? Freedom. I'll probably call up my IDFA friends and see some squat punk shows and drink ten million cappuccinos and keep on keepin' on.